Depression, Strength, and the Struggle between Body and Spirit

Warning of some triggers for some who struggle with depression.

But if you do read this, please read the WHOLE THING.


I want to tell you about some of my struggles with depression, but I don't know how.

I don't know how to tell you how my brain wondered if the parking ramp was high enough.

I don't know how to tell you that my brain was wondering what I would write in a note.

I don't know how to tell you that I scratched my arms on purpose because the pain soothed my mind.

And it's hard on my friends and people who care because all they can do is nothing but tell me the same things over again, and hope some of it leaks into my poisoned logic.

Some people have to live with my shutdowns: communication shutdowns and apathy for my living spaces. Sometimes I get to the point I think I'll do something stupid at work.

So I had found the end of my rope.

So why am I still here? 

My brain and my spirit are at odds with each other, and having broken bits in my brain makes my interface to this world very difficult, but it is not my spirit.
 Because of a sinful fallen world, my body is still obligated to death and sickness. Sometimes God heals those sicknesses, but other times he doesn't. Both are for his glory! Lazarus had to die before God's power could be revealed.

"We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." 2 Corinthians 4:10

"We hold these treasures in jars of clay to show that this power is not from us."
 So my body, and brain, and synapses are in a physical body under the laws of this physical world. Where I am not healed are only cracks for the glory of God to shine through, for "where I am weak, there I am strong." There is a larger space for God's glory where there is less of us in our weakness.

So I feel honored that God trusts me enough to carry this death in me. You are honored to carry God's glory when you are healed, and honored to carry God's glory when you are still broken, for more of God can shine through.  And I have to trust and look for signs of the Holy Spirit when I can't seem to think it's all worth it, because here on Earth it probably won't be. But it's far more than worth it in the end. God gave us the Holy Spirit as a seal guaranteeing all of this.

When I am discouraged, I look for evidence of the Holy Spirit in my life, because that's a sign that it really will be worth it, and in the mean time, the cracks that I carry are also to God's benefit, and he will use those too, whether healed or not.

Between Two Worlds CIVA Conference 2015: Post Event Reactions and Musings from Me

The art and artists that I saw at this event intimidated me. 

  At first, seeing others artwork in such formal (and seemingly lucrative) settings felt a bit depressing. I felt, and to an extent still feel, like a small-time artist with small-time dreams.

However, seeing that there were successful artists who dealt with this subject matter was encouraging.

The scope of the artwork helped me choose to re-evaluate my career direction and the scope of my own art projects.

Here's my name tag, the conference book, and a book we got in our packet. 

 Most of the conference was panels, hour and a half introductions, "lectures," and discussions of contemporary art and how the church dialogs with it.



 One concept that I took away from the many panels was a general duty on the part of the church to open the dialogue between secular artists and art related to the faith.

A major goal of the church in incorporating art is creating an inviting atmosphere for secular artists for mature dialogue, often by raising more questions than appearing to have all the answers to begin with.

 Posture at approaching this subject with the secular art world was a big topic. Humility, maturity, and excellence seemed to be the three main factors needed to engage the contemporary art world.  

Here is a robin that was hanging out on a bush and I couldn't resist taking a picture of it.

Time Lapse Painting of a Seascape/ Beach in Acrylic and Recording for Youtube.

I recorded the painting of a 6x6 canvas the other day, and found out how much fun it is to record live painting and speed it up! I need to add music to these someday, and figure out the aspect ratio problem.


Here's the finished product:




I wish I had more to say about making this, other than it was very fun!






And it's for sale as of this blog post!


https://www.etsy.com/listing/238451669/6x6-acrylic-seascape-painting-with-

Lessons on Plein Air Painting on a Beach Near South Haven, MI

 Maybe it was an impulse buy, maybe it was an investment.

Either way, I'm having fun with this traveling french easel box that I found on a great clearance price.

 I initiated it on the beach this past weekend. Got paint and sand all over it and learned to set the extendable legs on rocks to keep it from sinking into the sand.

I also learned how dependent I am on my spray bottle. The paint dried so fast on the canvas I could barely even blend it, and these canvases aren't so very big.

Most of the time I spent color matching, and that's OK.But I need more practice for next time.








When we first got there the beach had the most peculiar fog I have yet seen in that part of Michigan. So much for painting a horizon line!



Usually, I am a very fast painter.

However, with not being able to blend the colors as I wanted to (forgetting my spray bottle in the truck) I didn't actually finish many of the paintings, I just started tons. By the time I had laid out the sky and mixed colors, the lighting started to change or fog dissipated enough to change what I was painting. That's what I get.

This is why artists often create sky panels before painting in the field, painting the blue sky background in advance instead of painting it on site. I started with my white panels. 
 While I want to finish these at home, how "en plein air" are they then? I suppose that would be part of the value of them. The sand that stuck to the painting also adds value. And the random bug.

I did not use the lake water to paint with because organic matter may affect the painting over time, and I did not pour out the paint water on the beach either, I dumped it in the bathroom later.

Be earth conscious, artists!

What tips do I recommend for you? 

1. Spray bottle to keep acrylic paints moist. 
2. Bring business cards for onlookers...just saying.
3. Bring clean water to drink, and clean water to paint with. 
• Lake water has organic debris that may compromise your painting later on. 
4. Separate paint containers for dirty paint water ---do not dump in the lake! 
5. Rest easel legs on rocks to keep them from sinking in the sand. 
6. Use sky panels if you know the probable weather. (usually a prepainted blue gradient on canvas)
7. SUNBLOCK and sun protection for you. I might invest in a big hat.

Idea for Faith Based Sculpture from Used Communion Cups

I have collected the used communion cups at church to do some sort of art with, but didn't do
anything with them. The first plan was some sort of wind-chime.

This time, if it goes forward, I have an idea for a sculpture that will be enclosed in an aquarium or shadow box of some sort. I am hesitant to describe more of my idea, and I'm not entirely sure why. Afraid it will lose the magic and excitement if I reveal it too early, maybe.

I want to collect used communion cups from all sorts of Christ-based churches for this project. Maybe I will find some method of communion containers that will create other shapes for this project.

The project would unite local churches, I hope, and provide for me a bit as well, at the least for my portfolio. I want churches to rise above denominations and realize what we have in common, but also celebrate our uniqueness in the sharing of the body of Christ. That's part of the symbolism for this anyway, but I will keep the format and style a secret for now.

Baby ideas are very sensitive, I an reluctant to say much about this project because the idea is very young and fragile, and I also don't trust my mind as it is to stick with ideas for longer than a week. So in the meanwhile, I sketch it out and create a project proposal as a matter of official research and garnering interest.  I would like to actually be paid for my time for one of these projects, but it feels improbable that I ever will be, and that is my lack of trust I guess.

The Fruits of the Spirit: How We Hang Fake Fruit from Dead Trees.

An image came to me the other day, and I felt compelled to create it as a sculpture. I don't know what I will do with this sculpture other than post images of it on this blog post eventually.

The image is a dead tree with little plastic fruit tied to it; a visual metaphor for what happens when we try to force the fruits of the Spirit.

How many times have you tried to develop "self control" over and over again and failed? Or practiced lists of kind words, or counted to ten for patience? Why does practicing the fruits of the Spirit have to be so hard? My argument is that we are focusing on the fruits and not putting enough effort into the plant: our relationship, the source of the fruit. Our ever-perfecting faith will create rough patches where our faith and human nature will combat for control, and it is our freedom from that slavery to sin that allows us to say yes to the fruits of the Spirit instead.

I think we often go about the fruits of the Spirit backwards, for these fruits are the gifts that come from a healthy relationship with God, and cannot be forced out of a life that does not reflect a true relationship. That "fruit" is ad- hoc and non-nutritious, it hurts to produce. How often do we try to be kind for kindness' sake? To choose love only to be looked at as loving: this reputation weighted guilt often takes more from the public opinion of love more than what is actually godly loving. True love is not necessarily being "nice."

If you have a hard time finding the fruits of the Spirit in your life, do not despair, and do not struggle to manifest them in your own power. Turn instead to the source of these gifts, and water your own grass, take care of the core relationship with God, ask him where you lack. Love on God, worship him, and give thanks, rest in his grace. This takes humility, and a practice all of it's own.

Time Laspe Charcoal Sketch for Painting of Broken Lighthouse

I've taken to recording some of my paintings and sketches for paintings. Here's the most recent.

Dying Wool Roving with Food Coloring

 Today was a dying day.

We dyed wool roving and wool yarn with cake food coloring.



It starts with soaking the raw material in a vinegar water solution, overnight is optimal.
Then you lay it on some microwaveable plastic wrap.

The food coloring is dissolved in hot water, and applied with foam sponges.











After this, more plastic wrap goes over the top and sealed around the edges.
The packages are microwaved about 2 min at a time on high in glass bowls. The glass containers were allowed to cool off a bit between the "cooking."

All of mine started with stripes after I tripled

 the roving to fit on the plastic

Some of us wore gloves to keep 

the dye from staining us.

This is my favorite of my rovings that I had dyed. Can't wait to spin it up!

Here are the finished products hanging out to dry.

  Here's the roving spun up and ready to ply.