I had a recent attack of depression that was triggered by bitterness and disappointment at things I wanted but assumed I couldn't have. I felt taunted, like "here's the awesome thing you can't have" and somehow it was my fault that I couldn't have it. Punishment for acting "irresponsibly;" punishment for not being good enough.
What bugs me the most is that my gut reaction was to suddenly be disappointed, bitter, and start crying. These are not a mature reaction to seeing good things. God's gifts do not bring bitterness.
I was bitter that I did not have the money to do the things, these "perfect" things that would strengthen my gifts. Why show me something so "perfect" if I can't have it?
And I think it's because I was trying to earn it.
Here's what I learned:
God made the whole universe. All of it. he made the materials that we print money from, it's not like his resources are limited, and he gives it all to us, when it is best for us. And he does not withhold good things from us
"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will
he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:32
If I can't earn the biggest gift of all, why am I trying to earn the lesser ones? God gives us what we need when we need them, and sometimes we need to struggle in order to grow more than we need a vehicle. Sometimes there are more opportunities to "minister"when we are the ones asking for water. Jesus asked for a very human need to be met in John 4, he asked for a drink of water from a social outcast, and gave back something even greater.
As an artist, I need materials, and God has spoiled me with them. I buy them, I find them in the trash pile, people gift me, I can use almost any thing I find to make art with. And I still struggle to use up the materials "in case I run out."
That seems pretty silly now.
"Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also
supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of
your righteousness.You will be enriched in every way so that you can be generous on every
occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to
God."
2 Corinthians 9:10-11
God does provide seed to the sower, in fact, free materials are everywhere. But we must gather them and learn how to use them. "Some plant, some water, but God makes it grow."
"So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.
" 1 Corinthians 3:7
And we must sacrifice the things we have to let it grow.
"Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." John 12:24
And art is very much like a plant; little messages in bottles that you send out and hope that people will read (and plant more seeds) Art is my fruit.
So I have to use it up in order to make more. Then again, I could sit on it. Here, I have the paint you gave me! And look where it got this guy: Matthew 25:14-30.
If you have something, and are called to that ministry, don't be afraid to use it up!! God created the world, he can turn your one little offering into a feast for thousands. John 6:1-14
What is the fish and bread you have to offer God?
If I have something, it's an opportunity to "minister" to others. If I have a need, it's an opportunity for them to minister to me, and for me to learn the humility of accepting it.
Until we learn the humility of accepting the small gifts from others, we prevent ourselves from being used by God as a channel of the larger gifts.
Do you accept charity with humility and gratitude? Or with entitlement or bitterness that you couldn't do it yourself? You sabotage yourself from participating in God's Big Wallet when you limit yourself to only the resources you think you are responsible for.
So if I don't have that perfect thing, there are many reasons for why I don't have it.
- it's not good for me, it's artistic junk food
- God has something healthier in mind, even if it doesn't taste as good
- I am trying to earn it on my own
- It's a chance for someone else to minister and for me to participate in God's Bigger Economy
In Conclusion:
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| Here's the first layer. more to come. |
Firstly. I am making a painting that reminds me that God owns it all, that it's my job to gather what I can, sow and let the seed die, water, and harvest, but only God can grow it and multiply it. Pictures up soon!!
Secondly, that I need to ask, and I can't always "earn" the bigger gifts by behaving like a good little Christian. Sometimes God fills your needs with amazing circumstances that he set up for years in the making, and you just became aware of it. Maybe you haven't even told anyone yet. Maybe you need to.
So I set up a Donate Button on my blog.
Like that good old song says, friends can't fill the needs you don't let show.
So what is it that I want?
These things, or things like them, as they specifically strengthen my gifts:
Donations would go towards these things, and art supplies, unless you signify otherwise. Any amount helps, $5 even.
And it's on my honor, if you don't trust that, don't give, that's ok too. Maybe someday I can make it so I can gift those who donate with small pieces of art.
Donate if you can, take the idea and ask for donations yourself if you need them. I look forward to participating in God's Big Economy with you.
And suddenly, I'm not bitter anymore.
Might I mention that a few days after writing this post, someone gave me a gift card to
www.dickblick.com for $50.
