Depression, Strength, and the Struggle between Body and Spirit

Warning of some triggers for some who struggle with depression.

But if you do read this, please read the WHOLE THING.


I want to tell you about some of my struggles with depression, but I don't know how.

I don't know how to tell you how my brain wondered if the parking ramp was high enough.

I don't know how to tell you that my brain was wondering what I would write in a note.

I don't know how to tell you that I scratched my arms on purpose because the pain soothed my mind.

And it's hard on my friends and people who care because all they can do is nothing but tell me the same things over again, and hope some of it leaks into my poisoned logic.

Some people have to live with my shutdowns: communication shutdowns and apathy for my living spaces. Sometimes I get to the point I think I'll do something stupid at work.

So I had found the end of my rope.

So why am I still here? 

My brain and my spirit are at odds with each other, and having broken bits in my brain makes my interface to this world very difficult, but it is not my spirit.
 Because of a sinful fallen world, my body is still obligated to death and sickness. Sometimes God heals those sicknesses, but other times he doesn't. Both are for his glory! Lazarus had to die before God's power could be revealed.

"We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." 2 Corinthians 4:10

"We hold these treasures in jars of clay to show that this power is not from us."
 So my body, and brain, and synapses are in a physical body under the laws of this physical world. Where I am not healed are only cracks for the glory of God to shine through, for "where I am weak, there I am strong." There is a larger space for God's glory where there is less of us in our weakness.

So I feel honored that God trusts me enough to carry this death in me. You are honored to carry God's glory when you are healed, and honored to carry God's glory when you are still broken, for more of God can shine through.  And I have to trust and look for signs of the Holy Spirit when I can't seem to think it's all worth it, because here on Earth it probably won't be. But it's far more than worth it in the end. God gave us the Holy Spirit as a seal guaranteeing all of this.

When I am discouraged, I look for evidence of the Holy Spirit in my life, because that's a sign that it really will be worth it, and in the mean time, the cracks that I carry are also to God's benefit, and he will use those too, whether healed or not.